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ANGER
ANGER MENAGEMENT
1. There is an alternative to using anger as a weapon. That
Alternative—using angeras a tool requires several courses of action.
We must: (1) recognize that we are angry about a particular situation/event; (2) acknowledge our right to feel angry about it; (3) acknowledge our right to feel angry toward a particular person, if the situation resulted from another's actions; (4) acknowledge our right to express the anger we are feeling; (5) allow ourselves to express our anger, in a constructive, non-destructive manner; (6) figure out what we will have to do in the future in order to protect or take care of ourselves in similar situations; & (7) follow through on these means of protection.
Self-talk will help you calm down and stay in control. No matter what the other person is saying or doing, it should be your desire to keep yourself in control. Tell yourself that getting angry is not necessary and that you will not accept that kind of behavior from yourself. Each time you find yourself in a situation that is causing you anger, evaluate the situation to see if your amount of anger is appropriate, then adjust your response to the amount of anger the situation requires. Over time you will see that most situations do not require any anger response.
Begin your exchange with an "I" message: "I'm concerned," "I'm confused," or "I'm frustrated." Also acceptable as a leading question: "What the heck is going on?" (You can say "hell" if your perplexity is truly justified ;-)
2. Action: Defuse the anger triggers
Keep it in or let it out?
Fortunately these are not our only choices. There is a third option - not to get angry in the first place. That is what this issue of Active Mind-Body Health is about.
Dissolve Anger
The best way of dealing with the anger habit is to prevent it occurring in the first place. This means getting to know the triggers that evoke angry feelings and systematically defusing each trigger situation's ability to affect you.
Action Step 1: Remind yourself of a few facts
Fact 1: Recognise that you are not omnipotent! You cannot change the world. You cannot win every argument - every I'm-right-you're-wrong battle. And you cannot change other people - they have a right to their own views and behaviours.
Fact 2: Recognise that, just like you, other people are fallible and human. And that they are just as likely as you to say or do inappropriate and thoughtless things on occasions. Accept this and don't nourish a grievance when they do get it wrong.
Fact 3: Recognise that your anger hurts you much more than it hurts others - it affects your peace of mind, your relationships and your physical health.
Action Step 2: Find your anger-triggers
First find the triggers. Triggers are your signals that it is time to get angry and they are important because once one has been activated the feelings occur automatically and inevitably. So, from moment to moment, pay attention to what irritates you. So spend the next week or two building a list of these anger-triggers. Do it on a card or scrap of paper that you keep with you throughout the day.
Action Step 3: Rate the triggers on a Red Scale of 1-10
When you've got a sizeable list go through it and give a 10 score to triggers that evoke uncontrollable fury and 1 to those evoking very mild irritation. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the centre and on the left hand side re-write your 'Red Scale' triggers beginning with the highest scorers. On the opposite side write *all * the meanings (the mind-reading interpretations) that you tend to attach to each event. For example: lets' say being overtaken while driving is a trigger. Opposite this you might write 'they think they're better than me', or 'they're trying to look down on me because I have an old car' or 'because I'm younger/older than they', etc.
Once the triggers are on paper some of these meanings will appear silly to you. Great! You are on your way to feeling in control of your moods. But most will still be active triggers - as with phobias, an anger-response is an emotional and not a rational activity.
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