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Strenghten a couple relationship |
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YOUR PURE LIFE | ||||
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After a couple has been married for a number of years, there seems to be a lack of individual artistry and creativity in the relationship. Each person becomes involved in a routine of relating to the other in a certain way. Patterns develop because of living in the same house and responding to children's needs. Couples develop certain habitual work patterns, see the same people socially, etc. The same ways of relating and behaving may persist, unchallenged and unchanged, for years. The behavior will continue long after it has ceased to produce delight, zest or growth. Therefore, the most destructive of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" of marriage sets in--BOREDOM! In principle, each couple has the possibility of recreating their marriage at every moment of their waking life. The couple is like a sculptor in the construction and shaping of their marriage. Given the limitations of one's imagination, courage and skills, the sculptor has many degrees of freedom to create the form of the marriage. The sculptor confronts a heap of clay, imagines a pleasing form, and sets about creating a structure. The sculptor may create several approximations before creating one that will "work." The couple can likewise recreate, reframe, or renew a relationship, but it is a difficult venture. The sculpting is compounded in marriage because there are two persons with two different perceptions of the relationship. There are two sets of needs to be considered and two sets of expectations which are involved. It is possible for two people of good will to discuss their future possibilities together, and to reconcile differences that arise. It is also possible for a couple to realize a greater amount of their marriage potential. What seems to thwart this kind of interpersonal creativity is 1) failure in imagination on the part of either partner; 2) fear of external criticism and sanctions; 3) fear of change in oneself; and 4) the fear of conflict itself. We make fantastic demands on our marriages today. When a man and a woman join together in the mutual adventure through life, both individuals and the marriage are subjected to fierce strains; yet, in most cases, they give marriage only "left-over time." When we wake up in the morning and are fresh, we go immediately to work--in the fields, or at our job, or at home. At the end of the day when we are exhausted and every bit of usefulness has been wrung out of us, we rush out onto the crowded expressway and slowly make our way home. There, late in the evening at the low point of our energy, we pick up with our marriage. Then we ask it to "recharge" us enough so that the next morning we can again return to the work-world at our best. In this kind of society, most of us just take from our marriage--very few of us feed it. So we shouldn't be surprised at the 40 percent divorce rate for first marriage today-the marriage dies of malnutrition. Yet, modern men and women who are intelligent, articulate, efficient and successful in work, obviously can do better in the most personal of all relationships--marriage. Marriage ought to foster the growth of authentic love between man and woman. This love should evolve as a mixture of greater humanness between the partners (also called friendship) and a meaningful sexual relationship, based on respect, trust and compassion. This deep and meaningful love is devoted to the welfare of each other. Marital love means "caring for" rather than "taking care of" or "taking." Mutual understanding and consideration nourishes the marriage. It becomes possible for the marriage to be sustained and sustaining even when the couple feels low or the energy drain is high. Components of a Satisfying Marriage TRUST Trust is usually built on mutual respect and acceptance of differentness. Developing a sense of trust means that
both persons will do what they say they will do, and will not do and say things that violate the integrity of the relationship. COMMITMENT This is vital to a marriage. When it is taken for granted, vitality can disappear from the relationship. If a spouse uses the commitment "so long as we both shall live" as an excuse to quit working at the marriage, it will not live as long as the individuals. Once a couple commits themselves to the adventure of married life, this commitment will help them walk in the valleys and face crises as well as climb to the mountaintop together. SKILLS. Marriage as a lifetime process demands that both partners be skillful at understanding others, expressing needs, listening to each other, making decisions, negotiating and managing conflict and having meaningful communication. Also, someone
needs to know how to earn a living, how to cook, how to care for the house, and how to parent. CARING Nurturant love exists when, meeting the needs of your partner is just as important as having your own needs met. Caring means being supportive of each individual's growth and personal interests as well as caring for the relationship as well.
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