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Strenghten a couple relationship
5.
RECIPROCITY "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This means exchanging positive rewards and "strokes" with each other. It means avoiding those experiences which may hurt your partner and have an extremely detrimental effect
on your relationship. It involves "meshing" of the various roles in the relationship and helping each other as each fulfils these roles.
6.
EFFORT All the trust, commitment, skills, and caring are not very productive without effort. Effort means taking time
to work on your marriage. It means being willing to work together to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. It means
participating in marital growth experiences to expand and enhance the relationship.
7.
EXPECTATIONS One reason for marital dissatisfaction is that couples expect a great deal from marriage. Wives and husbands often have unrealistic expectations about what marriage should provide them. Most people expect their spouse to be a source
of emotional support, companionship, sexual satisfaction, and economic support or assistance. That's a pretty big order! The gap between expectation and perceived performance produces disappointment, discouragement and finally, disillusionment.
Marriage Enrichment Plan
Enriching and strengthening your marriage involves learning to share with each other at deeper levels. The idea is to become more intimate through mutual self-disclosure and acceptance. The process is risky--and it takes time. Therefore, it is recommended that you agree together to become involved in a daily marriage enrichment experience by spending time in communication with each other. A commitment on the part of each of you to try a program together may keep you going when you get busy or feel a little afraid and are tempted to quit.
The following are some helpful hints to assist you in sharing together each day:
• Set aside a certain time each day--a time which will be relatively free of distraction. But make it "prime time," not "left-over
time."
• Share positive thoughts, feelings, and wants only. This is not a time to complain or debate.
• Emphasize the sharing of feelings (joy, hurt, irritation, pleasure). This is not an exercise in reasoning or evaluation
and judgment.
• Speak for yourself. Say "I feel"; "I want...", "I think..."; "I like...". Don't say "you..." or "people...".
• Use language that expresses appreciation ("I appreciate it when you..."). Provide positive feedback and avoid "constructive" criticism.
• Have a "time-out" rule. Whenever either partner feels like s/he does not want to continue the discussion, s/he may say "time-out."
You each agree to take a break or change the subject without asking why the other does not wish to continue. Knowing that this option is available will keep you from feeling trapped. You are more likely to share if you can decide when and how quickly to share.
• Learn to listen! Try to understand what your partner is saying--what s/he means. Put your understanding of what you heard in your own words and say it back to the speaker to see if you accurately received the message sent. Remember, "when in doubt, check it out!"
A Final Word
A word of caution: Marriage enrichment is not the same as marriage counseling. It is the process of "making a good marriage better." Should you find your marriage in trouble, you are advised to seek marital therapy to get the foundation of your marriage
restored.
Marriage is not an answer, it is a search.
It is a relationship within which change is generated by relating and living together. It can produce growth, identity and a sense of rootedness. But if it is not going to become a trap, and if you are going to defy the 20th century by staying married, you will need to renew and enrich your relationship, again and again and again
by Herbert G. Lingren, Extension Family Life Specialist
The Herb Lingren Memorial fund and
Strengthening Families Award
University of Nebraska Foundation
1111 Lincoln Mall - Suite 200
Lincoln, Nebraska 68508-3907"
Related Article: Save Marriage
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