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The father-daughter relationship

"The father-daughter bond is a prototype for male-female relationships for the daughter and offers positive mental health and self-esteem to the father,"
says Frederick B. Phillips, Ph.D., founder of the Progressive Life Center in Washington, D.C., which offers an array of psychological services. "Within the framework of this relationship, the daughter has the opportunity to develop here womanliness, as contrasted with male energy. She can test out her female energy in a safe, nonsexual relationship. Fathers can realize stronger and truer self-esteem by receiving pure love, not to be confused with sexuality."

"There are men who lack the income to support their children, but they can sit down and talk to their daughters," she says. "And a father isn't just one who provides basic needs. The best fathers reinforce the idea that their girl's femaleness is charming and positive, that things about her as a female are special.",says Gail Wyatt, Ph.D., a psychologist who is a professor at the Neuropsychiatric Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles, and who specializes in male-female relationships in her private practice.

Psychologist Wyatt comments, "When a father praises his daughter for her strengths and exposes her to the working world, it says to the daughter that a man sees her as a peer, as capable. That kind of approval from a father is very important for a girl."

In her book "Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You've Always Wanted with Your Dad," Professor of Education and Women's and Gender Studies Linda Nielsen offers practical advice for adult daughters to develop closer ties to their fathers.

Ages 14 to 18 are often the most uncomfortable times, Nielsen said. Divorce and remarriage can present even more hurdles for the father-daughter relationship. Learning more about their fathers -- their histories and why they made certain choices -- can help daughters reconnect with their fathers.

"No matter how old you and your father are now, getting to know each other on a more personal, more emotionally intimate level will deepen your bond," Nielsen said. "For example, have your dad choose 10 pictures of himself throughout different periods of his life. Then spend several hours alone with him looking them over and encouraging him to tell you stories about his life."

HERE ARE some unhealthy father-daughter patterns from the book "The Father-Daughter Dance," by Joan Minninger:

Lost Father and Yearning Daughter. The father abandons the daughter, either by outright desertion or by rejection, remoteness or neglect. The daughter becomes obsessed with trying to understand his reasons, or with blaming her own shortcomings, or with struggling to earn his acceptance. Example: Marilyn Monroe.

Abusive Father and Victim Daughter. The father persecutes his daughter through physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The daughter identifies herself as a victim and grows up seeking other relationships in which she can play victim and/or rescuer and/or persecutor. Example: Rita Hayworth.

Pampering Father and Spoiled Daughter. The father makes a pet of his daughter, giving her everything she asks for, and more, without requiring her to earn it. The daughter learns to control others through charm or temper, yet lacks inner control and a sense of personal competence. Example: Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis. Pygmalion Father and Companion Daughter. The father mentors his daughter, molding her into an exceptionally able woman and his ideal companion. The daughter grows up feeling special and privileged, yet believing that she owes it all to her father. Example: Anna Freud.

Ruined Father and Rescuing Daughter. A previously distant father turns to his daughter in trouble, expecting her to take care of him. The daughter sacrifices her own well-being in order to win his approval. Example: Cordelia in Shakespeare's King Lear.

Depression, low self-esteem and problematic relationships with men are often the residue of a father's desertion. Experts agree that daughters must attempt to release these painful symptoms. It's realistic for women to be angry, but unhealthy for them to hold on to their pain. The pain, however, should be taken seriously, according to Wallerstein. She urges women to get an accurate story of their parents' breakup in orde to begin to heal themselves. "Daughters often feel they were to blame for divorce. Getting a true picture may help them realize that their father's leaving had nothing to do with them," says the psychologist, who also advices that daughters seek counseling. "Individual or group therapy can help women work through issues."

Gail Wyatt suggests that daughters of divorce can support one another in groups that don't just describe problems, but rather probe for solutions. The therapist is cautious about advising women to confront their absentee fathers, saying, "Confrontation is sometimes therapeutic, but you have to know the man. If he's basically concerned and will listen, he may be a good candidate. Daughters shouldn't expect anything to change. Basically, expressing pent-up feelings face-to-face benefits daughters, not fathers."

He says that many absentee fathers haven't been taught how to get in touch with the expression of their softer side and feel uncomfortable with tender feelings. For those women who are still trying to negotiate a relationship with the father who has absent during their childhood, he advises direct communication. "Women need to be direct and clear about what they want. They should communicate this to the fathers, either face-to-face, through the telephone or in a letter," he says. "To communicate effectively, women shouldn't attack or put the man on the defensive. Instead they should try to connect and form a bond. Start off by saying 'We share a lot. I know you've been hurt about our relationship.' Provide the father an opportunity to express his pain."

"Roughly between the ages of 19 and 23, when girls begin to think seriously about committing themselves to a man, many seem to reconnect with the pain of their father's leaving," says Wallerstein. "At that point, the girl's fear of failure between men and women begins to emerge." The result is that many of these young women distrust men, fearing that they will abandon them as their fathers did.

There are, of course, other violations even more catastrophic than a father's absence. Physical and emotional abuse and incest leave indelible scars on little girls' hearts.

"A violation of the father--daughter relationship leads to a fracturing of the psyche for both people," says says Frederick B. Phillips. "Both go to great lengths to repress that violation, but in deeper terms they become less than whole as they carry the violation around." Philips believes that both physically and sexually abused women exhibit symptoms of their abuse.

He says that women who have been molested by their fathers have specific pain and anger that play out in different ways. On one end of the spectrum, some abused women may enter the sex industry, becoming prostitutes and porn stars who act out the devaluation they have been taught to feel about their bodies; in the process they turn sex into a power relationship in which they feel they have control. At the other end are abused women who seem to behave normally but who carry their anger, hurt and mistrust into relationships with other men. According to Philips, most incest survivors, as well as victims of physical abuse, need psychological counseling to move beyond the pain of their traumatized girlhoods.

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