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The father-daughter relationship
If we assume that a person is going to think and behave in a certain way because of the group to which he or she belongs, then we tend to ignore and literally forget the situations where the person does not behave the way we expected. To make matters worse, we feel uncomfortable and off balance (a feeling referred to as cognitive dissonance) when people do or say things that contradict our expectations, even when those things are positive or favorable. Because we are driven to create logical, orderly, consistent stories about our lives and about the lives of others, we pick and choose what incidents and information we want to remember, to forget, to enlarge, and to overlook. And our minds play tricks on us so that we can literally "remember" things that in fact never happened -- memories created by what other people have told us, not by what we ourselves actually saw, heard, or did. So, for instance, if you believe that the group "mothers" is more self-sacrificing, more sensitive, more easily hurt, and more interested in talking about personal things than the group "fathers", you will be more likely to notice and to remember the unselfish, sacrificing, sensitive things your mother has done.
You'll also be more likely to forget the times she's been selfish, aggressive, insensitive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Likewise, you will recoil or feel off balance when your father tries to talk with you about personal things, cries in front of you, or talks about the sacrifices he has made for you. In short, I'm trying to get these daughters to understand that all of us usually only see something clearly after we are willing to believe it.
One of the most important factors determining how close a father and his children become is how much the mother allows him to share in the parenting. The mother almost always has power over the father in this respect -- an enviable, powerful situation referred to as "maternal gate-keeping". Put differently: "the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world". Even the most well-intentioned, loving mother can feel insecure, jealous or competitive about the children's getting as close to their father as they are to her -- especially during infancy and early childhood when it's the most important for her to open the gates between the father and children. Without meaning any harm, what the mother says and does too often makes it difficult for the father and children to develop as close a relationship as they might have otherwise.
What happens to most fathers after a divorce? Given that 50% of the couples in our country who say "I do", eventually say "I don't", this topic interests students not only because a third of their parents are divorced, but because they are aware of the high probability of their ending up divorced some day. At any rate, the research is a far cry from what most of them imagine. After divorce most fathers are more depressed and suicidal than mothers and grieve for years over losing their children. Most are not joyful, swinging bachelors who end up marrying young women. And most do not end up with a far higher standard of living than their ex-wives and children.
Similarly, researcher Judith Wallerstein finds divorce often turns daughters against fathers. Understandably, daughters raised under such circumstances later tend to have great difficulty establishing trusting, committed relationships with their romantic partners. And because these women sometimes attempt to compensate for the lack of masculine approval by engaging in sex before marriage, their problems often increase rather than decrease over time.
The Importance of Father. Daughter Relationships
Finally daughters have to come face to face with the fact that the kind of relationship a girl has with her father does matter as much -- and in many ways matters more -- than her relationship with her mother. Even if they want to believe -- as some do -- that their relationship with their father no longer matters, the research shows them how and why their fathers continue to affect them: in their academic lives, future careers, relationships with boyfriends, sexual and social self confidence, their ability to express anger and stand up for themselves, mental health, and feelings about how they look and what they weigh.
On the personal level, daughters whose fathers are physically or emotionally absent are much likelier to develop serious problems with other men in their lives. "It is fathers far more than mothers who determine what it means to be a girl and how comfortable she is or is not in her own sexual sin," writes Victoria Secunda, author of Women and Their Fathers.
One of the most important ways men affirm the femininity of their daughters is by treating their wives with honor, respect, and tenderness. Parents who cannot bear being in one another's presence reveal as much, if not more, to a child about romantic love as anything the mother or father might say.
Fathers tend to pull away when their girls hit adolescence, which makes things worse. Dads have no idea how much their daughters need them at this point." Or how much what they say matters. Maine notes that even an innocuous comment from a father about baby fat can initiate a cycle of dieting and depression in young girls.
It can be even more unnerving for some men to engage with their daughters when the girls hit puberty and, at times, overwhelm their dads with their burgeoning sexuality. In response, many fathers simply pull away. "It can be a very confusing time for dads, but when fathers connect with their daughters, they're laying the groundwork for positive relationships with boys later on. Girls who feel connected and respected by their father will look for the same healthy relationships with the boys in their life." , says Joe Kelly, co-founder of Dads and Daughters workshop.
Dads and Daughters has come up with some practical suggestions to help fathers connect with their daughters:
--CARPOOL The more time dads spend with daughters and their friends in the car and at their school, the more insight they can have into their daughters' world.
--TAKE AN INTEREST IN HER ACTIVITIES Studies show that when fathers take an active interest in and play sports with their daughters, the girls are less likely to have unhealthy or abusive relationships.
--LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGING Fathers sometimes want to rush in and fix problems; daughters don't always need solutions but want to air their feelings without fretting that Dad will freak.
--SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES Girls benefit from knowing that even dads have faced adolescent uncertainty.
--SPEND ONE-ON-ONE TIME Bike riding, going out for ice cream or playing board games together is great for younger girls; older girls enjoy going alone with Dad to a favorite restaurant or having a regular bowling date.
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