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Mother Daughter Relationship

Try to imagine your parents as your best friends instead of your too frequent adversaries. That’s hard when your parents are both your biggest fans and harshest critics…and very good at making you feel guilty. But you’re an adult now; you can make the rules and changes that will get rid of the trouble spots and remove those feelings of guilt that eat away at you. Then, you’ll be able to have a warm, enduring relationship with even the most exasperating parent.

One of the bigest challenge between mother and her adolescent daughter is to bridge the communication gap. "This is a mother and daughter who share a very strong bond," says the clinical psychologist. "It's just that daughter is entering a new phase in her life -- womanhood -- and the expectations and perimeters of their relationship have to adjust to that."

Daughter too is responsible for improving communication and should begin trying harder to express herself. In those moments of intense struggle, over grades or other points of contention, there's nothing wrong with saying "Mom, maybe we need to step back. Can we talk about this after dinner?"

As daughter moves toward womanhood, both mother and daughter have to recognize that their needs and styles of communication are different right now. Adolescents are normally going to be halting in their approach to talking about things. They're in many ways unsure of themselves.

As adults we're eager to know all we can about our kids at this point. We want to know they feel secure. We want to know if they're feeling peer pressure at school. But they're naturally more withdrawn during puberty.

Mothers must learn not to take daughter's reticence personally, but rather accept that she needs space to work things out in her own way.

As adults, we generally organize our thoughts with relative ease and present them in a coherent fashion. Not true for adolescents. They are often processing their feelings as they speak. And unlike adults, they might present their thoughts at what seem like odd or unpredictable times -- not during supposed "quality time" such as over a meal, but while you're in the middle of mopping the floor, for example.
It's important, to remind yourself to be open and patient even at these awkward times. So if your child begins a conversation by saying "There was a fight in school today ..." and you break in with "What did I tell you about hanging out with troublemakers?" you have effectively lost an opportunity for intimacy.

"I see now that I have to let up, that by pushing I may push her away from me, and I don't want that," says one mother. "I want to be able to give her the room to be the woman she is becoming. It's a beautiful thing, not something I need to fear."

She adds that when her daughter is studying these days, she goes out of her way to say, "I'm proud to see you doing your best." For daughter's part, she says the positive reinforcement has helped relieve some of the pressure she felt to meet her mom's high expectation. She feels more valued and appreciated for who she is.

Do recognize that young adolescents are grappling to define and understand themselves.

Don't expect teens to talk like the loquacious little ones they were a few years ago.

Do practice restraint and patience when your teen is trying to communicate. No one likes to be interrupted, and it takes teens a little longer than adults to process their feelings.

Do give them space and honor their privacy.

Daughters should always remember what your parents, especially their mother, did for them all their life. Recognize the wisdom of age and experience, and even when you disagree, be respectful and humble to her. Use the art of negotiation - Use honey instead of vinegar. For example: "Mom, I cleaned my room and folded the clothes would you mind taking me to the mail?" Do something to please your mom and then make a polite request.

Mothers on their side should always assume good intentions of their daughter. Try to excuse temporary thoughtlessness. Consider the fact that many girls who are her peers are sexually promiscuous, abusing drugs and alcohol, involved in criminal, gangrelated activities, getting pregnant, or being arrested. If you look at the big picture, you will see that your daughter is really admirable.

Learn how to discuss with your daughter so that her challenges will not upset you. Learn to listen with your heart and stop interrupting her! She must feel free to talk to you at anytime about whatever may be troubling her. She must not feel that you will condemn her or that your love for her will be diminished if you find out that she is less than perfect and has made some mistakes. If you cannot be there for her, she will have to confide in negative peers who will mislead her.

Search for solutions. Look for ways to make a compromise instead of insisting that she is completely wrong.

Do not say to your daughter:

"If you do that again, I'm going to kill you!" "I'm going to break your neck!" Don't threaten physical harm. Threats only cause fear if you carry them out, and reduce your credibility if you do not.

"Why can't you be more like him/her?" Never compare your child to anyone else. She is an unique creation.
"I told you so. You Should have listened to me." Don't rub salt in a wound. She's already aware that she was wrong.

"You are perfect!" "That's the most beautiful artwork I've ever seen! You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" Praise breed arrogance and boastfulness. Instead, recognize her accomplishments.

"I heard that you did something bad, so I know you did it. You always cause trouble." Don't believe rumors. Always give your child a chance to explain her side. Ascertain the truth of any rumor coming to you.

"You make me sick." "I wish you were never born!" Avoid sarcasm, suspicion, name-calling. "Oh!, you don't mean that." "it could always be worse."

"Hey, it's really no big deal; why are you getting so upset?." If something is upsetting your daughter, offer comfort, but do never try to make it seem insignificant. Her feelings are valid, and her emotional pain is real for her. Let her vent; then help her discover the lessons and solutions.

Remember to cherish her. She is going to get married and move away before you know it. Do you really want to spend these few years you have together in your home arguing and embroiled in tension? If you expect her to someday want to bring your grandchildren to visit you, then you need to let her see how loving you really are, not how harsh. You are her ally more than her father because you are her only parent who can share with her an understanding of what it is to be a woman -- from training bras to cramps, to butterflies in her stomach on her wedding day. Only you will fully understand and offer her a mothers unconditional love.