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Mother’s relationship with her son |
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Is a mother’s relationship with her son all that different than her relationship with her daughter? Definitely, mothers and daughters share a lot while mothers and sons start out being different, and they continue to be different as time passes. They are raised in different cultures, so children grow up with a "Male Code" and a "Female Code." Mothers have to make the effort to learn about the "Male Code."
The old adage "like father, like son" needs correcting. More appropriate is "like mother, like son." For the mother-son connection determines to a great extent not only what sons think about themselves but also what they think about women in general. Indeed, wise women have always known that the best way to determine the quality of a man is to evaluate his relationship with his mother. There's nothing new about this. It has been known for centuries that mothers and sons share a special bond. This does not mean, by any means, that mothers love their sons more than their daughters. But the mother-son connection seems to be under armed by a maternal attachment that is not duplicated elsewhere. A strong mother-son relationship starts with consistency, patience, and emotional closeness, which are important for all babies, and the process is the same for boys and girls. Be aware of cultural or family messages that would pressure you to distance from your son when he is very young. Accept the fact that boys have a different communication style. Respect your son’s need for emotional space. Be willing to overcome the fundamental differences of male/female in order to communicate. The first smile that a baby sees, the first voice that he recognizes, is that of his mother. As he grows older, his mother and her relationships with men -- husband, boyfriend, brother, father and friends -- are the first and most compelling examples of how a man interacts, or should interact, with a female. "Mothers are the first and most constant expression of what a woman is," says Ronn Elmore, Ph.D., a minister, family counselor and author of several books on relationships. "A boy's view of the world is affected by what the mother has demonstrated." Other family specialists concur. Milano Harden, a Harvard University graduate student who is developing the Fatherhood Initiative, says a recent study that be and colleagues conducted indicates that mothers "in profound ways" affect a boy's development. "It's not so much their psycho-sexual development, but we're talking about the clarification of the son's vocational and educational identities," says Harden. "We often think of identities as having one dimension -- gender. But there is a complexity of identities." And if the appropriate identity is not nurtured, it will not spring forth. Family therapists say that many of the problems that women have with men can be traced to how men were reared by their mothers. Considering the great number of who are born out of wedlock to impoverished, uneducated and often very young women, it is easy to blame societal ills, such as public education and drug-infested neighborhoods. However many negative environmental factors could be neutralized by mothers and parents in general taking steps to steer their sons (and daughters) in a more positive direction. Family counselors point that sons are affected by the mother's relationships with men and the male role models involved in a young man's life. They emphasize that if a husband is not present in the home, an effort should be made to involved male friends and family members -- grandfathers, uncles, cousins. "It is really important that mothers go out of their way to let their sons see them in loving, respectful and positive relationships with men, whether they be co-workers or just friends," says Dr. Elmore. The mother's romantic interests also influence how a son eventually will interact with women. "A son feels that what you say about men, you are saying about him," continues Dr. Elmore. "Mothers who constantly idolize men or who constantly put men down are sending the wrong messages and images of the boy about himself," he says. "It is important that a mother do as much as she possibly can to let her son see her engaged in a loving, positive relationship with a man. That's how sons learn how to give love. Mothers can't show that alone... The longer the relationship, the more consistent it is, the more committed the relationship, then the better it is for the son." Joyce Hamilton Berry, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C.-area, says the best way for a mother to teach her son to respect women is by demanding respect herself. "Demand that he carry packages and groceries, that he open doors for you and other women," says Dr. Berry. "Teach him to speak to women with respect and not call them names... If a man loves, respects and reveres his mother, then most likely he will treat his woman the same way. If it's a healthy relationship with his mother, that's good. How much is too much depends on how the mother parents." However, some mothers are so over protective the child becomes dependent. Ironically, this dependency negatively affect the son's development. Sometimes they shirk responsibility because they have never bad to be responsible; when made mistakes, mom made excuses. This dependency carries over into the son's relationships with women. "There is the belief that no woman can take care of my son as well as I can," says Dr. Berry. "A mother takes note of how her son's children are cared for, how meals are cooked, how the house is cleaned. She is concerned about her son's welfare. Ideally you are supposed to raise your children to grow up and move out on their own so that they can take care of themselves. Frequently, men will remain dependent on their mothers, and mothers enable this to happen. Mothers don't cut the cord. They become resources for their sons... Some men believe that only their mothers can do it the right way. For instance, they say to their wives, `I want it to taste like mama's fried apples.'"  TopBack Next Your comment |
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