I probably should have known better, but a few years ago I started working at the same company where the guy I was dating worked. For a while everything was lovely, but then we hit an impasse: I wanted to know where the relationship was going; he didn't want it to go anywhere, and he dumped me.
Despite the risk of such emotional pandemonium, experts say more than 70 percent of single employees will get romantically involved with someone from work at some point in their career. It only makes sense: You have shared interests, you understand his work schedule, and when you have nothing to talk about you can gossip about your coworkers. "In certain circumstances, workplace romances can be beneficial," says Charles A. Pierce, a professor of psychology at Montana State University. In two separate studies, Pierce found that people in workplace romances were happier in their jobs, more satisfied and more motivated. "But that assumes that the romance is going well," he says.
And that's the catch. While you may hear the occasional story of exciting, clandestine sex after hours, lavish trips on the boss's expense account or even a walk down the aisle, more often than not these trysts end with hearts broken and careers derailed.
Of course, how we handle ourselves can make all the difference in how a workplace romance plays out. It may be easy enough to keep things on an even keel if you're calmly in love. But if you're in the throes of an ugly breakup, with a bad temper and a vindictive heart, and the guy you've been dating sits in the office next door, you've got a chair incident waiting to happen.
So be warned: Dating a man from the office is like skydiving--it can be thrilling for sure, but if you don't take precautions you can really get hurt. Before you jump, here are some lessons from those who fell hard:
Don't make your relationship the company's problem. Cassandra, 25, had been working at a publishing company for about a month when one of the senior editors approached her. "We were at a vending machine, and he just started talking to me," she recalls. "He was smart and well respected, and I was flattered when he asked me out."
Cassandra and Joe started dating, but within a year the relationship took a nosedive. "Technically, I guess I broke up with him. But of course, the minute I realized he was really gone, I sort of went nuts," she says. "I got so emotional when I saw him that whenever I was assigned to work on one of his projects, I would beg one of the other assistants to do it for me. And I was constantly late because I would spend hours getting ready in case I saw him in the halls."
"I don't know how I finally figured it out, but one day I did," she says. "That's how I discovered he was seeing someone else. Then I was a wreck. I remember crying to one of his colleagues about how I had gotten pregnant when we were together. This editor was on deadline; the last thing she wanted was to deal with me. Another time he hadn't been in the office for a few days, and I kept calling the guy who sat next to him asking if he knew where Joe was. I was really pushing it with the in-office therapy sessions."
No matter how informal the office environment, it's important to give the impression that your work responsibilities take priority, says psychologist Joni Johnston, Psy.D., president and CEO of Work Relationships, Inc., a company dedicated to fostering better relationships in the workplace. "You want to make sure your co workers still see you as the stellar worker that you are and not so-and-so's girl friend," she says.
Cassandra admits that at the time it didn't occur to her that her behavior was inappropriate. "I felt like I was still getting my work done." But then she got passed over for a promotion; the company gave the job to a man with far less experience. "Of course, he just came to the office and did his work," she says. "I don't remember him running off to the men's room in tears, ever."
Consider the impact the affair can have on your career.
A few years ago, Tasha, a 34-year-old account executive at a Chicago advertising firm, started dating Kevin, one of the account supervisors. He wasn't someone she would normally be attracted to--he was a little too domineering. But their innocent flirting turned into drinks after work, and before long they were cooking dinner and renting movies. He even told her he loved her. Still, there were moments when Tasha sensed things were not quite right.
Despite her attempts to keep the relationship private, Tasha's love life began to affect her work. "My boss and Kevin were on the same level and very competitive. And Kevin would say things in meetings to give the impression that he and I were in cahoots," she says. "My boss felt undermined and would keep me out of the loop on some projects, which made it very difficult for me to do my work."
About eight months into their relationship, Tasha decided she had had enough of Kevin's behavior and broke up with him. As she feared, he retaliated.
According to Ella L.J. Edmondson Bell, coauthor of Our Separate Ways: Black and white Women and the Struggle for Professional Identity (Harvard Business School Publishing), retaliation when the relationship is over is one of the hazards of dating someone at work, especially if the man you are seeing holds a more senior position. "Sometimes relationships are not just about caring for someone, they are about power," says Bell. "And when he has power over you at work, he can really sabotage your career in ways you aren't aware of because he is a part of the network that makes decisions. He can influence the kind of promotions, opportunities and rewards you are given. It's all part of the informal power he has."
After the breakup, Kevin went to Tasha's higher-ups and tried to have her removed from key accounts, claiming that she wasn't up to the job. "These were very important projects for my career," Tasha says. "So I went into his office and threatened to sue and we got into this yelling match. I was cussing him out and he was mixing intimate parts of our relationship with work stuff. It was the ranting of a madman."
Eventually, Kevin left the company for another job but not before he tried to get Tasha fired. "I remember times when I would be there all night photocopying hundreds of pages of my work to show that his allegations were unfounded. It was just embarrassing because it became a question of my professional judgment. I felt that my coworkers were saying to themselves, We all knew he was crazy; what was she thinking?"
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