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Office Romance

Don't date a married man. Monica was one of those women the rest of us envy. She worked for an international bank in Barcelona and, at 40, had everything she had ever hoped for: an exciting career, good friends and a beautiful city to call home.

Then, out of the blue, Karl showed up. New to the company and to the country, this handsome, dark-skinned Harvard-educated colleague needed someone to show him around. He found the perfect tour guide in Monica. Together they went for drinks, dinners and weekend drives. It didn't matter that Karl was married; they were just good friends. "I told myself I was just extending him some hospitality," Monica says now.

For Easter break Karl asked Monica if she wanted to spend a weekend in the country. In separate rooms, of course. But when they got to the inn, there was only one room available. Monica quickly arranged for two beds.

On the second night of their stay there was a wonderful thunderstorm. Monica and Karl lay across their separate beds listening to the rain falling on the balcony while La Boheme echoed on a CD player in the background. "This," said Karl, looking over at Monica, "is perfect." Monica smiled in agreement. And that was the end of the separate-bed business.

From then on they were together all the time, talking, making love, looking at houses in the country. Monica was falling in love. "I really went into deep denial," she says. "I kept telling myself his family was definitely not coming to Spain, and I was just waiting for him to tell me that." Instead, four months into their relationship Karl told Monica that his wife and kids were on their way. "The relationship fell apart, and I fell apart," says Monica. "It was awful."

Women who've been there will tell you that chances are, if you get involved with a married man, you're going to get hurt. He'll choose his wife and kids over you, and the only way you can salvage your dignity is to pick yourself up and try to forget him. But that's not so easy when you have to see him every day.

Monica left town for a couple of weeks to try to put the relationship behind her. But when she came back to work, she found herself craving some sort of closure with Karl--a dinner, a meeting, an exchange of gifts, something. Instead, she says, "He'd come over, and we would make love. Then I'd cry and he'd leave. I was a basket case." Monica finally found a way to end the affair: She packed her bags and moved back to America, leaving her job, her apartment and the city she loved.

It could have been worse. According to Johnston, there is nothing more frowned upon by bosses than an employee's extramarital affair: When asked to rate hypothetical employee behavior, executives gave those having extramarital affairs extremely low marks, even if their job performance was excellent. "The executives felt that an employee who would break a contract in one area would also break a contract in other areas," she explains. "It was basically a matter of trust."

Never judge a man by his cover. "Some people look their best at the office, and it's not an accurate representation of who they are," observes Kimani, 23, a sales associate at Macy's.

Kimani was selling leather gloves when Hakim, a security guard, stopped by her counter to ask her out. "This guy had the most exquisite skin and this thousand-watt smile," she says. "And he was very well mannered and sweet." Kimani decided Hakim might be just what she needed to break up the monotony of retail life. And so, after weeks of coyly turning him down, she agreed to go out for dinner. She had her hair and nails done and was ready for love. Kimani says she doesn't want to seem superficial but "if there was any hope of having a relationship it was dashed when I saw the outfit he wore for our date." Hakim showed up in burgundy plaid pants that were tucked into knee-high leather boots, a canary-yellow shirt and a medallion "the size of a hood ornament," she says. "I told him he looked like a pimp and he thanked me."

Worst of all was the hat. "It was one of those Russian things with the flaps," Kimani recalls. "But it was way bigger. So I asked, `What animal is that?' He said, `Fake possum.' "Kimani pauses. "I mean, why would you even want to wear fake possum?"

Kimani decided right then that she would never again date a guy who wore a uniform to work. "Clothes say something about the person," she says. "But with a uniform, you're playing Russian roulette."

Maybe the way a man dresses is not that important to you, but one could argue that the same theory applies whether you're talking about a man's clothing or his attitude. Sometimes what you see at work is all an illusion. "I once dated a vice-chairman of a bank," says Marie, 34. "The guy had climbed right up the corporate ladder and was still in his thirties. He had a beautiful home and a corner office and it looked like he had it all together. But his personal life was a total dysfunctional disaster with an ex-wife and ex-girlfriends and scandals you wouldn't believe. Appearances can be very deceiving."

Above all, be discreet. There was a man at the office Phyllis had known for years. He was smart and attractive, and now he was asking her on a date. She wanted to say yes, but how would she keep the relationship from going hay-wire? "At first I was very wary," says Phyllis, a 35-year-old corporate attorney, remembering when Malcolm, a partner at her legal firm, first asked her out. "I said to myself, This is going to change everything."

Phyllis and Malcolm talked about the effect dating would have on their friendship and about the potential impact on both of their careers. They decided to proceed with caution--they would date but not tell a soul. If it didn't work out, they wouldn't have to explain anything to anyone. That, according to Phyllis, was the key to their success. Phyllis and Malcolm dated for a year before they told anyone at work they were a couple. By then, they had already moved in together.

Their story has a happy ending, even though Phyllis did eventually decide to leave her job, taking a position at a legal firm across town. "It was just less complicated for both of us," she explains. Four years later, the two are happily married with a baby on the way--which just goes to show, if you're wildly lucky, a workplace romance can lead to true and lasting love. But for most of us, dating a man in the office next door is a very risky business indeed.

"Date a temp, a delivery guy, a guy who works for the company in a different building. Just don't date someone in the office next door." In "The Office Affair" book, she spells out the risks of dating your cute coworker.

Author: Jeannine Amber is a contributing writer for Essence.


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