basic concepts. By the time you finish reading these concepts, you will be in a position to re-create love in your marriage. And if you do, you will have turned a potential disaster into a personal triumph!

The first, and most important concept that I created helped couples understand the rise and fall of romantic love. I call it the Love Bank.

The Love Bank

Inside all of us is a Love Bank with accounts in the names of everyone we know. When these people are associated with our good feelings, "love units" are deposited into their accounts, and when they are associated with our bad feelings, love units are withdrawn. We like those with positive Love Bank balances and dislike those with negative balances. But if an account reaches a certain threshold, a very special emotional reaction is triggered - romantic love.

When we are together we feel fulfilled, and when apart we feel lonely and incomplete. So the feeling of love is usually effective not only in drawing people together for significant amounts of time, but also in encouraging them to spend their entire lives together in marriage.

In almost every case, a man and woman marry because they are in love, and they are in love because their love bank balances are above the romantic love threshold.
But what goes up can usually come down, and love bank balances are no exception. And if Love Bank balances drop below the romantic love threshold, a couple not only lose their feeling of passion for each other, but they lose their instinct to make each other happy.

Without love, spouses are very poorly motivated to remain married for life, but with the restoration of love and its accompanying instinct to spend life together, the threat of divorce is overcome. Marriages are saved when love is restored.

Couples must make as many Love Bank deposits as possible and avoid making withdrawals if they want a happy and fulfilling marriage. And to achieve this, behavior must change. A husband and wife must learn to do things that make each other happy, and learn to stop doing things that make each other unhappy.

Instincts and Habits

Most people think that they have control over their behavior.
You were born with instincts that are there to help you survive. Instincts are behavioral patters that do not seem to be learned -- they occur in almost finished form the first time they are triggered. And many of these instincts can make or break marriages.

Habits are different than instincts because they are obviously learned. A habit is any behaviour that is repeated often enough to become automatic and almost effortless. Conversation, for example is perfected through considerable practice, as is affection, admiration, and even honesty.

Some of your behaviour is stored as instincts -- they were there when you were born -- while other behaviour is stored as habits. Whenever a particular behaviour is summoned, you can automatically repeat what's stored rather than carefully create the behaviour from scratch. That way you don't have to think about every response you make throughout the day. You simply trigger an instinct or habit that is stored away in your brain.

Instincts and habits, such as angry outbursts, are often inappropriate. They may have been created as valid solutions to certain problems, but many are unsuitable for other problems that trigger them anyway. This is where our intelligence comes in handy. We can actually eliminate certain habits when we discover that they are ineffective in solving certain problems, and we can substitute effective habits.

Habits that deposit love units build very large Love Bank balances because they are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviour, on the other hand, usually doesn't effect the Love Bank that much.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

"What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" was the question I would ask every couple that I counselled. I could have asked the question, "How would you like your spouse to care for you?" and I would have obtained a similar answer. As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy. To care the right way, you must make large Love Bank deposits. And I've found that the best way to make those deposits is to meet each other's most important emotional needs.

There are probably thousands of emotional needs. If you feel good doing something, or when someone does something for you, it's meeting an emotional need.
But not all emotional needs are created equally. I call those our most important emotional needs because, when met, they make the largest Love Bank deposits of all. As spouses explained to me what they wanted most, I classified their desires into emotional need categories. And almost all those I interviewed described one or more of only ten emotional needs as most important to them (admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfilment).

But I also made a revolutionary discovery that helped me understand why husbands and wives tended not to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Of the 10 emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice-versa. Readers are encouraged to identify these needs by using the

Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Before you fill out the questionnaire read a short description of each need that I've provided for you so that you will be accurate in the choices you make.

Affection
Sexual Fulfilment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Affection

Quite simply, affection is the expression of love. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval, vitally important ingredients in any relationship. A simple hug can say those things. When we hug our friends and relatives we are demonstrating our care for them. And there are other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All can communicate affection.

Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include).

He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it.

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.
As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.

When your husband says that you do not accept the things he does for you, you should explain that you don't need the things he does nearly as much as you need things he isn't doing. He really does want to meet your needs, but hasn't learned how to do it. It probably makes him frustrated to think how much he cares about you, but has not been able to show it.

Sexual Fulfilment

In most marriages, one spouse, usually the husband, has a much greater need for sex than the other. This tends to create a significant conflict if his need is not being met as often as he would like or the way he would like it to be met. The need for sex and the need for affection are often confused with one another. To help you sort them out, think of it this way: affection is an act of love (hugging, kissing, hand-holding, etc.) that is non-sexual and can be shared with friends, relatives, children and even pets with absolutely no sexual intent. However, if your affection tends to have a sexual motive, it is a symptom of your need for sex, not your need for affection.


   Top
Back
     Next
Your comment