 |
Save your Marriage |
| YOUR PURE LIFE | |||||
|
|
|
Conversation The need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable to both. Good conversation is characterized by the following: (1) using it to inform and investigate each other, (2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, (3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and (4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other. Conversation fails to meet this need when (1) demands are made, (2) disrespect is shown, (3) one or both become angry, or (4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present. Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not to talk to each other at all. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts are painful to us. If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don't have much of a need for it. But if you use conversation "just to talk," and enjoy conversation in its own right, and are frustrated when you haven't been able to talk for a while, consider it to be one of your most important emotional needs. Conversation is not just a means to an end, it is also the end itself. What I mean by that is that conversation in marriage does more than help us communicate and solve problems, it also meets one of our most important emotional needs -- the need to talk to someone. When you learn to meet that need for your spouse, it can deposit more love units than anything else you do. But the way you talk to each other is very important. Even if your spouse has a need for conversation, you can talk your way into Love Bank withdrawals very easily. And when conversation suffers, the solution to all other problems are bound to suffer. There are ways to make your conversation great. I call these the Friends of Good Conversation. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. Why investigate? Why not just inform? Well, most of us don't just offer personal information about our deepest feelings. Someone must show an interest first. If you don't investigate with a genuine curiosity, your spouse is unlikely to share those feelings with you. The Second Friend of Good Conversation is developing interest in each other's favourite topics of conversation. Topics drive most conversations. I suggest that you make a mental note of subjects that interest your wife today, and educate yourself about those subjects. But what if both of you try to educate yourselves in each other's interests, and still find yourselves bored with certain subjects. There's no point in faking an interest in something that is truly boring to one of you, and there are literally hundreds of subjects that both of you will find interesting. So I suggest that after an initial effort, you abandon subjects that you do not find mutually interesting. The Policy of Joint Agreement can help you create an inventory of subjects that you both enjoy discussing (never talk about a subject without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). The Third Friend of Good Conversation is balancing the conversation. Conversation is a two-way street. But if you try to turn it into a one-way road, it becomes a speech. Conversation is meant to be interactive. , make sure that you both have a chance to finish a thought before the other person responds. Another rule is that if you notice that one of you is talking more than the other, the more talkative spouse should pause to give the less talkative spouse a chance to talk more. The Fourth Friend of Good Conversation is giving each other undivided attention. Some people feel that they can do several things at once, so while talking to their spouse, they try to do something else, too. But you can't have an intimate conversation when you divide your attention. It leaves your wife feeling that she is not important enough for your full attention, or that other tasks are more important than she is. During courtship, I estimate that it takes about 15 hours a week of undivided attention for a couple to deposit enough love units to fall in love. The fifteen hours should include conversation, but it can meet other important emotional needs, too -- affection, sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship. The First Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking. It's okay to negotiate with your spouse, but it's not okay to be disrespectful. If you are thinking, "I'm right and you're wrong," watch out! You are just an utterance away from disaster. The Love Buster, disrespectful judgments, will not straighten your spouse out, as you hope. Instead, it will drive your spouse away from you. The Second Enemy of Good Conversation is dwelling on mistakes, past or present. Criticism is painful in marriage because we need admiration so badly. We want our spouses to be the most encouraging person we know, one who constantly reminds us of our strengths. We certainly don't want to be discouraged by being reminded of our weaknesses, particularly if it comes from our spouse. Criticism now and then is bad enough, but spouses often get into the habit of dwelling on mistakes. The Third Enemy of Good Conversation is using conversation to punish each other. When you use words to punish your spouse, you are being abusive. Verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse. When conversation is used to punish her, you have entered a period of emotional divorce, where all hope of reconciliation is gone. For example, if you are disrespectful, critical or verbally abusive, it's almost impossible to "investigate, inform and understand" your spouse. She will keep her thoughts to herself to prevent your from hurting her with your enemies of conversation. Trust is essential for intimate conversation. If your wife thinks that you might use her personal revelations against her when an enemy of conversation has taken control of you, her lack of trust will prevent her from revealing her innermost thoughts. On the other hand, if she knows you will guard her private thoughts and protect them from your criticism, she will be more likely to reveal them. Recreational Companionship Before you were married, chances are pretty good that you planned your dates around your favourite recreational activities. That's because when it's an important emotional need, recreational companionship can often deposit enough love units to trigger romantic love. He joins his friends in recreational activities he enjoys most and leaves his wife to find her own recreational companions for activities that interest her. That's a formula for marital disaster. If someone else of the opposite sex joins either of you in your favourite recreational activities, you are at risk to fall in love with that person. Besides, if you are not together when you are enjoying yourselves the most, you are squandering an opportunity to deposit love units. We exchanged activities that only I enjoyed for new activities that we both enjoyed. We remained each other's favourite recreational companions after marriage even though most of our recreational activities changed. And it's a good thing, because recreational companionship is definitely one of my most important emotional needs. The need for recreational companionship combines two needs into one. First, there is the need to be engaged in recreational activities and second, the need to have a companion. To determine if you have this need, first ask yourself if you have a craving for certain recreational activities. Then ask yourself if the activities require a companion for fulfilment. If the answer is yes to both questions, include recreational companionship on your list of emotional needs. One of the most controversial positions I take regarding marriage is that a husband and wife should be together for their favourite recreational activities. Whatever it is they enjoy doing the most, they either do with each other, or they don't do it at all. As it turns out, falling in and out of love is not as much of a mystery as some literature and music make it out to be. Love is simply an emotional reaction that is triggered by repeated associations of very good feelings with a person of the opposite sex. Technically, we can fall in love with anyone of the opposite sex if we feel particularly good whenever we are with that person. . And the recreational activities that they enjoy together are usually an essential part of the plan because it's one of the easiest ways to create happiness. So after marriage, and especially after children arrive, they do not make a special effort to spend their favourite recreational time with each other. Mind you, they usually don't put an end to recreational activities; they simply stop doing them with each other. They squander their opportunity to deposit love units into each other's love banks. When you and your husband were dating, you spent almost all of your recreational time with each other. That's one of the reasons you fell in love with each other. And you married because you were in love. So after having children, it's even more important for them to spend their most enjoyable time with each other, than it was when they were dating. It's leisure activities that got you together in the first place. Do you think you can spend your most enjoyable moments apart, yet still love each other? Don't you realize that you will love the person you have the best time with, whether it's at work or at play. If your best moments are not with your spouse, your marriage does not have much chance for survival. Your wife has become a dull and unpleasant woman to be around when you try to have fun with her. Your recreational time together has become stressful rather than an escape from the stresses of life. Your wife has changed in the past two years, all right. But that's because you have been having an affair! It's impossible for her to remain the fun-loving friend you remembered having when you subject her to the most painful experiences she will ever have. She married you because you were her best friend. Now you have become her worst enemy. Is that what you really wanted? I doubt it. But now you've got it. What's the solution? There are two steps you must take to overcome this nightmare you have created. The first step is to never to see or talk to this other woman again in your life. That is something you have promised your wife many times in the past few years when she complained about your relationship with her. The second step is to do just that -- make J.M. your best friend. You do that by making her a part of every enjoyable activity you have. If it's fun to do, she should be with you. If she doesn't enjoy doing it, give it up. Either buy her a motorcycle, or sell yours. When you jog, suggest that she jog with you, or ride a bicycle with you. When you play softball together, only play on teams where there are no women you find more attractive than your wife. Don't make her feel she must compete with women 20 years younger than she is. The correct reaction to either of you being attracted to a friend of the opposite sex is to end the friendship. Why? Because you should not make your spouse compete with anyone else for your love and affection. If your marriage is based on the assumption that you will stay together until you find someone more attractive, start planning for your divorce now, because it's inevitable. Recreational companionship can be continued throughout marriage if you are willing to make a radical decision: Spend most of your leisure time with each other. Why take that drastic step? Because if you don't spend your leisure time with each other, doing what you enjoy the most, someone else will turn out to be your favourite companion. And if it's someone of the opposite sex, then your marriage will really be in trouble. To help you both make this difficult but necessary transition into becoming each other's best recreational companions, I suggest you negotiate with your husband.  TopBack Next Back to article Your comment |
|
| ©2007 www.yourpurelife.com Home • Search | Privacy • Terms • Contact • Disclaimer • Webmasters • |