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Save your Marriage
The Giver and the Taker
The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.
The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.
For example, when we buy groceries, we give money and take groceries. We don't give more money than the grocer charges us and we don't take groceries without paying for them.
But in marriage, a strange thing happens to the way our Givers and Takers operate. They seem to work independently of each other. When the Giver is in charge, we are loving and considerate. But when the Taker is in charge, we are rude, demanding and inconsiderate. I want to emphasize to you that this is normal behavior in marriage. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return (because you haven't bargained for much), your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. The Taker's instinctive strategy for getting what we need in marriage is to make demands, show disrespect and have an angry outburst.
The Three States of Mind in Marriage
My experience trying to help couples negotiate has led me to the conclusion that, left to their own devices, they negotiate from one of three states of mind, each having it's own unique negotiating rules and it's own unique emotional reactions.
I call these states of mind Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal. And regardless which state spouses are in, negotiations can be very difficult. Conversation in the state of intimacy is respectful and non-judgmental. Negotiation in this state of marriage is controlled by the Giver and the Giver's rule You can get into some very bad habits when you are in the state of intimacy. A husband in love with his wife may do nothing to restrain her tendency toward irresponsible spending, driving them both into backrupcy. But, instead, because of the failure to negotiate terms that benefit both spouses, it tends to drive them toward the second state of mind in marriage, conflict. No one is happy all the time, especially when making sacrifices to make someone else happy. And when unhappiness is experienced by either spouse, the slumbering Taker is immediately alerted to the pain.
In this state of Conflict, spouses are no longer willing to be thoughtful or to meet each other's needs. Instead, they demand that the other spouse become more thoughtful and that their own needs be met first. They no longer guarantee protection, but instead, threaten each other unless their demands are met. When demands are not met, the Taker resorts to disrespectful judgments, and when that doesn't work, out come the armaments.
Angry outbursts are the Taker's last-ditch effort to solve the problem. When a husband and wife are in the state of Conflict long enough, the resentment and disillusionment they experience eventually convinces their Takers that fighting doesn't work. A new approach is warranted, and that approach ushers in the third state of mind in marriage, Withdrawal.
In the state of Withdrawal, spouses no longer feel emotionally bonded or in love, and emotional defenses are raised. Neither one wants to try to meet the other's needs, and both have given up on attempts to get their own needs met by the other. One becomes two. But the state of Withdrawal doesn't usually last very long.
Sooner than most couples think, at least one spouse has the presence of mind to try to break the deadlock. Typically, if they fail in their efforts to resolve the conflict, and if the unpleasant effects escalate, one spouse will go into Withdrawal first and raise his or her emotional barriers. The spouse that remains in the state of Conflict continues to argue, while the withdrawn spouse tries to escape.
If the arguing spouse persists, the withdrawn spouse may be goaded to re-enter the Conflict state, and fight back. But this step from Withdrawal to Conflict is a step in the right direction, and provides spouses an opportunity to regain Intimacy -- if they can resist the advice of their Takers. By coming out of Withdrawal, they are lowering their emotional defenses and taking the risk of getting close to each other again.
It takes two to argue, and if one spouse makes an effort to avoid making demands and judgmental statements, and tries to be thoughtful and meet the other's needs, the other spouse usually calms down and does the same thing.
The recipient of care is usually the first to return to the state of intimacy. The passage from Intimacy, through Conflict, to Withdrawal is a slippery slope. You can get there before you know it. But it takes quite a bit of work to climb back up that hill. While one of you can help by pulling the other back up the hill, it's a lot easier when you both work together. And the best way to work yourselves back to Intimacy from Withdrawal and Conflict is by negotiating effectively.
Love Busters
Until now, I have focused attention on behaviour that will meet each other's most important emotional needs. When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if other behaviour leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain control over your behaviour so that you can learn to avoid making Love Bank withdrawals, I will introduce you to my next basic concept, Love Busters.
Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I call the all the ways that spouses are inconsiderate of each other's feelings Love Busters because that what they do -- they destroy the love that a husband and wife have for each other.
I've found that the most common Love Busters in marriage fall into five categories: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behaviour and Dishonesty.
The first three of these Love Busters are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a spouse will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a spouse will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort ("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it"). All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your spouse to be unhappy, and that causes Love Bank withdrawals.
The fourth Love Buster, Annoying Habits, is behaviour that is repeated without much thought that bothers your spouse. The fifth Love Buster is Independent Behaviour, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. Since it's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, the simplest way to overcome it is to take it off your schedule. Finally, the sixth Love Buster, Dishonesty, causes massive Love Bank withdrawals whenever it's discovered.
Selfish Demands
We were all born with instincts to help us survive the trials and travails of life. Some instincts are very helpful and others are downright stupid and abusive. One of our more stupid and abusive instincts, especially in marriage, is making demands.
Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. When the demand is not met, both spouses feel resentment. When I ask my wife, Joyce, to do something for me, she may cheerfully agree to it-or she may express her reluctance. This reluctance may be due to any number of things-her needs, her comfort level, or her sense of what's wise or fair. If I push my request, making it a demand, what am I doing? I am trying to override her reluctance. She may ultimately agree to my demand, but she won't be happy about it. I may get my way, but I'm gaining at her expense. My gain is her loss. And she will most certainly feel used. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment.
There is a wise alternative to selfish demands, and that's thoughtful requests. This approach to getting what you need from each other begins by simply explaining what you would like, and asking your spouse how he or she would feel fulfilling your request. If he or she indicates that the request will be unpleasant to fulfill, discuss alternative ways your spouse could help you that would not be unpleasant.
Disrespectful Judgments
When requests don't get you what you want, and demands don't work either, our instincts and habits often provide us with another stupid and abusive strategy -- disrespectful judgments. A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When we try to impose our opinions on our spouses, we imply that they have poor judgment. That's disrespectful. We may not say this in so many words, but it's the clear message that they hear. If we valued their judgment more, we might question our own opinions. What if they're right, and we're wrong?
I'm not saying that you can't disagree with your spouse. But I want you to respectfully disagree. Try to understand your spouse's reasoning. Present the information that brought you to your opinion and listen to the information your spouse brings. Entertain the possibility that you might change your own mind, instead of just pointing out how wrong your spouse is.
Angry Outbursts
When requests don't get what you want from your spouse, demands don't produce results, and disrespect doesn't work either, your instinct has one more stupid and abusive strategy up its sleeve -- angry outbursts. When you become angry with your spouse, you threaten your spouse's safety and security -- you fail to provide protection. Your spouse rises to the challenge and tries to destroy you in retaliation. When anger wins, love loses.
Sometimes the weapons are verbal (ridicule and sarcasm), sometimes they're devious plots to cause suffering, and sometimes they're physical. In marriage, one of our most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where we intentionally try to hurt our spouse and cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. But it's something we do naturally -- it's a habit that is developed by an instinct.
We can't change our instincts, but we can short-circuit their approach to a problem. If I have an instinct to have angry outbursts, it doesn't mean that I must go around losing my temper. I can create new habits that keep my anger in check. Whenever a person begins to feel angry, he or she practices a behaviour that has been shown to prevent an outburst. Walking away from a frustrating situation is one example of a behaviour that can short-circuit an angry outburst. Another is to follow a routine that relaxes your muscles and lowers adrenalin in your system. Eventually, with practice, the behaviour that has proven effective in short-circuiting an angry outburst becomes a habit. I teach a client to stop making disrespectful judgments, and then he or she is finally in a better position to get angry outbursts under control. The underlying theme of this approach to anger management is to make my client aware of the fact that he or she has no right trying to control anyone else, regardless of what that person is doing.
Annoying Habits
When we're annoyed, we usually consider others inconsiderate, particularly when we've explained to them that their behaviour bothers us and yet they continue to do it. It's not just the behaviour itself, but the thought behind it -- the idea that they just don't seem to care.
I've found it helpful to divide insensitive behaviour into two categories. If behaviour is repeated without much thought, I call it an annoying habit. If it's usually scheduled and requires thought to complete, I call it independent behaviour. Annoying habits include personal mannerisms such as the way you eat, the way you clean up after yourself (or don't!), and the way you talk. Independent behaviour, which we will be discussing next, may include sporting events you attend, your choice of church, or your personal exercise program.
Taken together, your habits and activities define your entire lifestyle.
Your approach to annoying habits should be organized with an agreed upon plan to eliminate whatever it is. Unless you have such a plan, all you will accomplish with your criticism is a loss of love units whenever you bring up the subject.
Your husband can eliminate any annoying habits that he has, including making noise when he eats. But you need to approach the problem the same way you would approach learning to drive a car. The habits you want him to develop must be carefully defined and monitored until they are replaced by good habits.
First, make it very clear what it is he does that annoys you when he eats. You say that it is making noise from his mouth or plate. Then carefully teach him his new eating habits. Watch him eat, and correct him if he falls back into his old way of doing things. Once his habits change, and they will within a few weeks, you can look forward to a lifetime of enjoyable meals together, instead.
So, make a list of all the things he does that annoy you. You may have as many as 25 annoying habits on your list when you are done. Then, go through your list and rate them from 1 to 6 according to how much each one bothers you. Give a number "6" to the ones that bother you the very most, and a "1" to those that bother you the least, and use the other numbers for intermediate amounts of annoyance. select no more than three habits for elimination. Each of these three habits should be carefully described by you, and you should also describe what elimination means. After you have carefully described habits that make you happy, then practice those habits. When he makes a mistake, you mention it, and he should correct his behaviour. You continue to do this until he behaves in a way that doesn't bother you. It takes about three weeks to change most habits, and about three months before you will not have to think about correcting him any more. Quite frankly, many of the habits on your list can be eliminated by just asking your husband not to do it any longer. You may find that after you have eliminated the three most important annoying habits, he will start eliminating many of the others on his own.
Your activities make up most of your lifestyle. To discover your lifestyle, suppose you were to make up a list of everything you do throughout the day, 24 hours a day, with an entry every ten minutes for, say, a month. Those entries would define your lifestyle.
As it turns out, most lifestyles are confined to fewer activities than people realize, because those activities repeat so many times. What should have become vividly clear to you after a few years of marriage is that almost everything that's on your husband's schedule effects you, and almost everything on your schedule effects him. In other words, what each of you do throughout the day either deposits or withdraws love units from each other's Love Banks. Consequently, your lifestyles will have a great deal to do with your love for each other.
Ask your husband to join you in making up a list of activities that reflect what you are presently doing when you are together at home. I suggest that you streamline the project by writing activities down for only one day on an hour by hour basis instead of every 10 minutes for a month.
Then, I want you to do something very important. I want you to look at each other's schedule of activities, and mark with a yellow highlighter any activity that meets with your enthusiastic agreement. In other words, I would want you to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to every activity each of you has listed.
Activities without a yellow highlight represent incompatibility in your lifestyle. These activities should be eliminated in your future planning. In their place, you should put activities that you can both agree to enthusiastically. I encourage both of you to avoid pointing out each other's annoying habits unless you are both prepared to do something about it.
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