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Save your Marriage

The Policy of Joint Agreement encourages couples to consider each other's happiness as equally important. As they throw out their thoughtless habits and activities one by one, they replace them with habits and activities that take each other's feelings into account. That's what compatibility is all about -- building a way of life that is comfortable for both spouses. When they create a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriages.

But the most powerful incentive for following this policy is that it helps sustain the feeling of love. If you and your spouse are in enthusiastic agreement, it means that both of your Takers agree that the decision is in your best interests. Those are the agreements that are most likely to make you both happy.

1. Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe.
Before you start to negotiate, agree with each other that you will both follow these rules: (a) be pleasant and cheerful throughout your discussion of the issue, (b) put safety first--do not threaten to cause pain or suffering when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes threatening remarks or if the negotiations fail. Your Taker is very persuasive at this point, and unless you make a special effort to resist its advice, your negotiation will turn into an argument. and (c) if you reach an impasse, stop for a while and come back to the issue later.

Under no conditions should you be disrespectful or judgmental of your spouse's opinions or desires.

2. Identify the problem from the perspectives of both you and your wife.
Be able to state your wife's position, and be sure she can state your position before you go on to find a solution to the conflict. when the issue is clarified, the solution is immediately apparent and the conflict is resolved.

3. Brainstorm solutions with abandon.
Spend some time thinking of all sorts of ways to handle the problem, and don't correct each other when you hear of a plan that you don't like. When you brainstorm, quantity is often more important than quality. Let your minds run wild; go with just about any thought that might satisfy both of your Takers.

4. Choose the solution that is appealing to both of you.
From your list of solutions, some will satisfy only one of you but not both. Good solutions are those both you and your spouse consider desirable.

The reason I insist on enthusiasm is I want people to stop making either sacrificial or self-centred living a habit, and in it's place develop a life-style of win-win decisions.
whenever you go, she would wave good-bye with a smile on her face.


Whatever you cannot agree upon defines an area of incompatibility. It needs to be replaced with a compatible alternative. And you'll find that each resolution solves a repeating problem.

Incompatibility, therefore, is simply the accumulation of thoughtless habits and activities. The more of them a couple tries to tolerate, the more incompatible they are.

Affairs, which are usually intensely pleasurable, are very difficult to eliminate because the withdrawal symptoms are so severe. A spouse having an affair goes through deep depression when he or she tries to leave the lover.
It is very difficult to give up something that gives a person considerable pleasure ( alcohol, lover). The procedure we used was to provide emotional support in helping people keep the commitment they made. The worst of it was during the first few weeks of sobriety, but as time passed, it was easier and easier for them to remain sober. As time separates a person from the enjoyable habit, the depression and resentment subside and he or she returns to normal. But if a slip occurs, and the person returns to the habit, in many cases the process of withdrawal must begin all over again.

I believe that the same principle applies to overcoming very enjoyable but thoughtless behaviours in marriage. At first, you may need support from someone who can not only provide emotional encouragement, but also provide accountability.

The only way you will be able to "merge" your lives is to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. Everything you do should be predicated with the question, "How would you feel if I ..." If the answer is not an enthusiastic, "I'd feel fine," you don't do it. Pure and simple. Granted, you won't be "independent" anymore, you will be interdependent. There is simply no way you can merge your independent lifestyles.

But if you want to save your marriage, and if you want to have a happy marriage, you must 1) follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, 2) learn to meet your wife's most important emotional needs, and 3) overcome any habits you have that cause her unhappiness.

_{Excerpted & edited from}

www.marriagebuilders.com.

See books by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.


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